My run in with an AFL legend...
(it was actually his Mum)
As a young person growing up in the Burbs I tended to avoid the local footy club, well I was in a band so I thought I was cool. But we did form that band in scouts, so yeah not so cool. But as an adult I’ve spent hours hanging around local footy clubs, well firstly my daughter played AFL for the Fitzroy Under 13s. She was the best player (she was 23 at the time). And of course I’ve done a lot of gigs at footy clubs. Sooo many. They tend to be great fun, and I can guarantee an old bloke will come up before the gig and say ‘Must be hard for you blokes these days, you know with political correctness and all that.’ I always say well watch me and see what you reckon. Cause you can generally say anything at footy clubs, well within reason. You can’t get up and deliver a Unabomber style manifesto full of hate but you can push the boundaries, as long as you’re funny.
I did several footy clubs last weekend, and got a flashback to one gig that went off the rails. This time I was performing at the South Morang Lions, in the aptly named ‘Lions Den’. It was a great gig and I had to follow Fraser Gehrig a St Kilda FC legend who’s stories mainly go like this ‘We were on the piss, and I thought I hate that c**t so I bashed him.’ Ok I don’t want to get bashed so there were also some great insights into the craft of football. Anyway Fraser was siting with a table of former players including Shane Whitnall who’s the brother of former Carlton FC legend Lance Whitnall. And that’s who I had a run in with. But like an episode of Jonathan Creek he wasn’t even in the room.
Ok so about 17 years ago I went to do a gig at the Lalor football club. It was a rough club, just blokes standing around in what looked like the change rooms. I say blokes, because they were all blokes except for one woman who was in charge of the deep fryer, cooking up many fried delights for the players and friends. I thought I’m in a footy club I’ll do footy jokes, I remember reading the newspaper that morning and seeing Lance Whitnall had been photographed leaving a ‘fat farm’ and he still looked a bit fat. Right, so I hit the stage (there was no stage) and say ‘Yeah Lance Whitnall, they say he’s in shape but it’s just a round one at the moment.’
Zero laughs.
All of a sudden everything slows down. Like an accident.
The blokes go very quiet and the crowd parts down the middle. The lady cooking the dim sims come through the crowd holding the tongs like a weapon. I could see the fat dripping off them. She had red hair, she was large, she was LANCE WHITNALL’S MOTHER!! Lance Whitnall came from that club, his photo was on the wall behind me, I didn’t see it.
‘Don’t come to MY club and hang shit on MY son!’ Mum yelled.
I was in shock but I managed to say.
‘Lance called he wants five dim sims.’
I’d like to say I resurrected the gig and it was all fine but it wasn’t. The president of the Club got up and thanked me by saying ‘Round of applause for the comedian, he wasn’t very good.’ So seeing one of the Whitnall family members brought back all the trauma of the day, so in true Fraser Gehrig style I bashed him.
No, I got my free can of Diet Coke and drove to Montmorency Football club were I did a gig for 250 women. You reckon Lalor was scary? I was genuinely worried but they were lovely. So I ‘d like to formally apologize to the Lance Whitnall and his mum, and my main regret is I never got to have a dim sim, they looked good
.