Liquor Salesman on Lindeman Island

No wonder it closed

Just read that Lindeman Island has been closed.   This was triggering for me….

I did a gig on Lindeman Island. I know sounds tropical awesome. Not awesome. It’s a club med, great, but for families. Not great. The gig was for Liquor salesman. Guys who spent the whole year driving around in their station wagons selling alcohol, guys that had a strong relationship to alcohol and celebrated by going to Lindeman island and just solidifying that relationship.

 I arrived at Mackay airport and inquired where do I get the boat to Lindeman Island.

 “Boat? You’re not getting a boat.

You’re getting a plane, you’ve got to go to the old airport.”

Now there’s two words that shouldn’t go together, old and airport. Old village, interesting, Old painting, could be worth some money. Old airport nooo. Cause you know what’s in old airports – old planes. And even older pilots. So I get there and it’s like something out of a movie, two sheds, and old bloke smoking and a dog sitting out the front.  He goes ‘Just make your way onto the tarmac sir and the pilot will be with you in a minute.’ So I walk around, the same bloke walks out of a door and goes (STUBBS OUT CIGGIE) ‘Right let’s go.’

We get in the plane and I’ve been in bigger mini buses, it was tiny.

As we’re taking off, the pilot says ‘Do you want air con?’ I go yeah, he goes ‘Open the door’. So I had to open the door to get some air in the cabin.

We’re flying along, over the Pacific Ocean. He goes ‘can you hold the wheel I gotta look at the map.’

 I’m like ‘Don’t you know where Lindeman island is ‘

He goes ‘there’s a lot of fucking islands down their mate.’

So I try and make conversation, ‘Where did you learn to fly?’

He goes ‘Vietnam’.

I’m like ‘the war?

He goes ‘nahh had a couple of lessons there last year ha ha just taking the piss, nuh it was the war.’

Then I’m thinking how old is this guy. My Dad was in Vietnam. And he’s dead now. I go ‘my Dad was in the war, do you still see any of the old pilots?’

 He goes ‘Nuhh most of them are dead, you know heart attacks strokes.  (Like my Dad) Actually went to a funeral today for one of them. Went just like that. Bang. But you know what they say, when your number’s up, your numbers up.’

I said ‘Well if your number comes up, can we ask for the supplementary?’

We land, thank God and I go to check in. The receptionist of Club Med says I’m just in time for a briefing. What? Yes a briefing on how to enjoy Club Med. So we go into this room, and there are two families and myself.  The receptionist stands up the front with a younger guy who’s like his sidekick.

Receptionist ‘Welcome to Club Med!’

Sidekick ‘Woo-hoo!’

Me: ‘Is there room service?’

Receptionist: ‘No we eat meals together as a group.’

Sidekick ‘Woo-hoo’

Me: ‘I’m here by myself.’

Receptionist: ‘You’ll meet people.’

Sidekick (Losing enthusiasm): ‘Woooh’

Me: ‘Are there in house movies?’

Receptionist: ‘No we have a concert every night where staff and families perform.’

Me: ‘Noooooooo.’

I go to the gig. It’s all men, no women, and a smorgasbord. I get my food, sat down and a man reaches over, grabs my chips and says, ‘You won’t be needing them you fat c**t’.

He was the CEO of the company. He was drunk and trying to undermine me.

‘I’ve asked all of these blokes and no one, no one, knows who you are.’

He kept going.

‘And the set up’s not great, high ceiling, two levels, drunk blokes, mate you are going to struggle.’ As he munched on MY chips.

Well I don’t normally fire up but I was determined to do well.

I go on stage and immediately come across two Finnish guys who are sharing a room, comedy gold right there.  They were at the conference representing the beer of Finland (?) The gig gets better and better. I look at my watch and clock that I’ve done my time.

‘Hey guys I met you boss, stand up mate.’

He stands up and does that drunken fists to the air gesture.

I hear some people booing him. This is a good sign.

‘What a fuckhead.’ Now the workers are cheering.

‘He stole my chips the lowlife!’ I jump off, blokes are patting me on the back, they all seem to hate the chip stealing CEO.

I go back to my room and walk past the concert, which is in full swing, the receptionist is wearing a pirate outfit (?)while getting everyone to do the Nutbush. The sidekick is wearing a Shrek outfit… Oh lord.

I was meant to be staying three days to have a break. I book the first boat out of there the next day at 7am, and then I pay for my own flight at 9 am to get the fuck away from Lindeman island with their old pilots, club med cult leaders dressed as pirates

and chip stealing CEOS.  My wife can’t believe I’ve come home early. It was like I’d been in war. ‘The horror, the horror… of a beautiful tropical island… now derelict.’