Complaints at the Golf Club
But I got to meet Jeremy Cameron
You’ve all driven past a golf club, most of you have been in one, and some of you would play golf. What is golf? It’s a selfish game for selfish people. I mean that’s a bit harsh but people who belong to golf clubs are a certain type. Older, business owners and a bit cashed up, now that goes from a plumber who owns his own business to a CEO of BHP. Who else has the time to play several times a week for three hours at a time? (Probably not the CEO of BHP now that I think about it) At every golf club I always ask the question ‘Who’s been divorced the most times?’ At one club I found a bloke who had been divorced FOUR times and was up to his FIFTH wife, which wasn’t going well. He said ‘I just dropped her off at the airport.’ (She was from a foreign country and he’d paid for the return ticket). Again I stress not all golfers are like this, many older comics play golf like Pang, Molloy, Robbins… Ok they’re all loaded but I can see how it’s a great game for some people… well mainly men. In fact the first gig I ever did at a golf club was organized by Glenn Robbins, his friend emailed me and said can you do this gig etc. I said to Glenn ‘Are you going to do it?’ He said ‘No, all golfers are up themselves.’ And he plays golf!
But over the years I’ve done many golf gigs and they’ve been fine. But then one comes up and reminds you why you don’t like golf. So last Tuesday I went to a Golf Course near Geelong to do a gig for blokes who owned pubs mainly in Geelong and parts of Melbourne. They were raising money for a good cause and CUB was sponsoring the day. Ok so there’s some warning bells already, I was going on at 7.30 and they started playing at midday. So they’ll be tired or pissed or both. Also publicans, they tend to be self-made men who fit into the category of ‘golfer’ not an easy audience. And to make matters worse the club was split-level, there’s no stage or lighting and people were eating.
I’m sitting there thinking well this ‘aint great, and the publican opposite says ‘in terms of gigs the degree of difficulty here is very high.’ No shit. Then the bloke from CUB informs me that Jeremy Cameron is turning up, now for people that aren’t into AFL he’s a Geelong forward, Coleman medal winner and as a Geelong tragic I was very excited to meet him. The CUB guy adds if I could go on now and just keep going till Jeremy gets here with Billy Brownless, another Geelong legend. I’m like sure.
So I get up to do the gig and I get some laughs, mainly from picking on the publicans. It’s not comedy gold but it’s going ok, for example one of the conversations goes:
Me: What pub do you own?
Publican: The Rochester.
Me: Shithole.
BIG LAUGH
Me; That’s in Fitzroy?
P: Yeah.
Me: Do you even serve beer there? Probably got Kombucha on tap.
ANOTHER BIG LAUGH.
Me: Get this bloke a milk crate to sit on.
I’m working with what I’ve got. I lean over the balcony, as it’s split-level and I have a bird’s eye view of people eating. There’s one bloke fastidiously pushing the last bit of food onto his fork. I say ‘Hey mate get that last bit of corn, you don’t want to miss out on that.’ Again big laugh.
Finally Billy Brownless walks in and yells out ‘I thought it was Dave Hughes. Looks like KD Lang to me.’ The bloke from CUB gives me the wind up, and I wrap it up. Admit
tingly I don’t end on a big laugh and my only thought is ‘I hope Jeremy didn’t see that.’
Now you know a gig hasn’t reached the expectations of the people who booked you, when they won’t look at you. I mean the publicans were fine but the CUB people looked like I was wearing a Tooheys t-shirt and a Coopers hat. The publicans were saying good work, tough crowd etc. As I said to them normally after a gig like that you would leave straight away, but Jeremy Cameron was there and I’m a big fan. And I wanted a selfie. So I sat down the front and loved every minute, even asking most of the questions in the Q&A where we learnt Blicsavs is the maddest bastard in the Geelong football club, which will mean nothing to most people but I was interested. I had a chat to Jeremy, got a photo and left. And then the next day I got a complaint.
Now this is where comedians collide with the corporate world. Most people get some kind of work reviews or appraisals or just feedback from idiots on the web ‘my coffee took 12 minutes I’m never coming here again.’ But as comics we tend to do our own thing, we’re mavericks, rebels, man don’t tell us what to do… that’s why we’ve got wives (or husbands). And to be honest I’ve had complaints before. But not many. I reckon in 33 years of stand up maybe five. And like anyone, you never remember the 2564 good times, you focus on the five bad times. My complaints I can remember:
Hosting the Green Housing awards ‘He was funny but he was poorly dressed looked like a homeless person.’ Ok that’s fair.
Hosting the Kitchen and Bathroom awards ‘He slurred his words, I think he was drunk.’ Ok well I don’t really drink, I have about one beer a week, I was just tired.
Doing a gig for Tiny Tots School Photos ‘ He insulted the CEO by questioning why he had such a young wife, and asked whether the chemicals in the photo lab had aged him prematurely.’ Ha ha I still reckon that’s pretty funny.
And the most recent complaint for the great CUB Golf day. ‘He was unprepared, picked on people and didn’t do long enough.’ Well I only stopped because I got the wind-up from the CUB bloke, and yes I picked on people cause that’s what I do and was I unprepared? I don’t know but you think doing stand up for 33 years is preparation enough, and I admit it didn’t go great but the conditions were stacked against me.
But you know what, I would do it all again cause I got to meet Jeremy Cameron. He asked how I went, I said ‘Not great.’ He said ‘Yeah everyone had a bad game today..’ I was going to tell him I was a comedian and I was talking about my gig. But I just said ‘yeah golf…. It’s a great game but a tough one sometimes.’ Ne nodded and agreed. He thinks I own a pub in Geelong. Probably better that way.